Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Trans Dream

I had an interesting dream last night. Apparently trans issues are very much on my mind. The dream:

I was in my early thirties, lesbian, and single. A work related event had me attending a conference on substance abuse counseling. For lunch, we were paired and seated in small groups at round tables. The host of the event had arranged for specialty breads to accompany lunch, which arrived at the table in small, personal shaped loaves. I had been late arriving, and was seated at a table with another late comer named Jennifer. She was friendly, but very reserved. I was really attracted to her. We had each been served a different kind of bread, so we split our loaves and shared with each other. We seemed to be having fun, and then suddenly it was as if I hit a wall. I couldn't figure out what was wrong.

Next moment, we were standing outsound the building on a balcony after dinner, chatting. I had been flirting with her, but she was rarther reticent. Yet I could tell she was interested. She had changed clothes, and was wearing a shawl drawn up to her neck. The wind caught it, she moved just right, and I could see a thick thatch of hair on her chest. My first thought was curiosity. If she was self conscious, I wondered why she had not shaved. My second thought was the realization that I faced a trans person who presented as female. On the one hand, I am lesbian and was saddened that she wasn't really a woman. On the other hand, I fascinated, and I wanted to talk about it, but didn't know how to bring it.

Then the alarm went off

Having read and been strongly affected by Alissia's blog (her entry about her ex-wife), it is apparent that I was still processing what I read. I also must add that I am part of an online trans partner list, so I get a lot of food for thought there, as well. Then there is the obvious; that Cameron is transgender. The dream didn't seek to apply labels. I don't want to figure the dream woman, although I wanted to hear her story. I wasn't turned off or discouraged by recognzing the male beneath the exterior. I just sought the company of a fascinating person. Indeed, that juxtaposition of the male/female is wildly attractive and exciting to me.

So I tend to see this dream as an affirmation of our relationship, my attraction to her, and the power of that blend of masculine/feminine. On the other hand, a confession. that male/female juxtaposition was much easier before it was named. When I saw it, and simply recognized it as part of the woman I love. It was easier before someone pathologized it; named it; called it a disorder. Maybe the label gives Cameron relief, that ah-hah moment of "so that's what I am." For me the label undercuts who she is; for me; she simply is the boi I love beyond all measure, beyond all reason simply because she is what she is.

Sometimes Cameron feels like she has opened Pandora's box. She fears how this journey might affect us, as do I on occassion. Nevertheless, I am not hostage to this journey. I walk this journey of exploration because I love her. Because I choose it. Because I want to. Because I have lived without her, and this is better. And while recognzing her as Transgendered changes everything, it also changes nothing.


  1. Ok...I am sitting here with tears in my eyes. I don't know what to say. I never meant for my comfort. my relief - my ah-ha realization, to become your pain.
    Its not like I can put it back in the bottle either. It’s always been there. I remember back at one of the Goddessfests years ago when someone looked at me and astrally saw me as a 6 foot male without me ever opening my mouth, and without me understanding all this.
    But I am a woman too.
    A happy lesbian woman.
    I will always be your gender confused happy little boi. If labels help define identity, then there is also that point where they are simply words that fall short of defining the reality. The reality is that what ever I am, I belong to you.
    I am shaken by the realization - AGAIN - and one that I have had before, and will have yet in the future to see all over again, I am sure - just how much my journey has affected us. I am taking the road less traveled and have no choice in the matter, trying to not go down this road would be the cost of my true self. I have been down the other road for 10 years and more, trying not to be gay years ago. I know how futile THAT attempt is. But I have you hostage on this road too, dragged along on a journey you never foresaw.
    You say that I was never "just" a lesbian; that the "boi" was there all along. I don't see it as pathology. And I don't see you dragging me along. I see a person that society tries to box in with a label. And I walk your journey of exploration just as you walk mine.”
    And now you say that you are not hostage on the journey; that you are with me because you love me. And I treasure that! OH, how I TREASURE that! But it is still not a road you ever foresaw, or chose, though maybe it was inherent in falling in love with a “boi”. Neither one of us knew in our conscious minds, though maybe we knew in our hearts. Maybe that applies to all our journeys – heaven knows I have found myself with you on some of your “roads less travelled” with perhaps the same stunned “what am I going to do now?!” feeling you are experiencing with me.
    Perhaps the key is that we are always willing to walk these paths TOGETHER, whatever they are, where ever they may lead. Love is the truest measure of eternity that we have, that we claim forever in our hearts. Always yours, always your boi, and always with you, whatever the road…
    (For those reading this who wonder how this post transpired, parts of it are pulled from a real-time IM conversation we had that started flying when I read the post while Dreamweaver was away from home. We are not – yet – as telepathic as it sounds!!! LOL!)

  2. I think of labels defining identity. I do think labels are convenient. They are like “thumbnails” of photographs. It makes it easier to pick the general picture you want, but it’s too small to reveal all the details. So the thumbnail for us was butch dyke. Now its lesbian/boi. On the surface it’s mostly the same...shrink it down far enough and I don’t see the difference. Increase the size and I see the entrancing details that make you the glorious person you are. Those rich details of self were always there, sometimes repressed, sometimes shining forth, but always present.

    Life is a journey. Period. So you and I choose roads, or are thrust down roads, or are compelled down roads less traveled. That’s what make our journey interesting. Worthwhile. Ours. And what lends the depth to our lives that binds us together, and what gives us the gifts to present to others we encounter on their journeys. I bless the day you took my hand and we started journeying together.

  3. Both great post and great responses. That you love each other is very apparent. That you struggle in your relationship anlong the path that life..fate..what ever leads you is a universal. I know of no path that doesn't have some issue or the other. That you've survived this long says a lot about your commitment to each other and the relationship.

    Labels....they give us power and hold us back. With a label we can say to the world 'this is what I am, this is how I am'. It allows us to find the resources we need to survive sometimes, or to find more peace than we had. But it also holds us back because we now are plaving ourselves inside of a little box that becomes the deffinition of who we are....

    And it's wrong. Ok, Cameron, Megan, and I are labeled trans. But is that all we are? Is that where we begin and end? I wear a number of other labels in my life, but others...and unfortunately at least for now me...find the most unusual, the one that strays the farthest from the conventional path as the one that stands out. Never mind that I am also....Teacher, Network Administrator, Father, Son, Advisor, Driver, Reader, Writer, Student, Lover, and yes, Trans. The last one once used is the only one that people in general focus on.

    So where does this leave us? Labels are what they are. Words. Nothing more. It is in our interpetation and feelings towards those words that shapes out outlook to one who wears them....good or bad. The irreverent Lenny Bruce once commented in a monologue the there are no bad words....we give the words power by how we view them and use them.

    And what label would I wish on your partner Lady Dreamweaver? I'd label him Cameron, because in the end he is more than the individual parts and labels.

    Be well and safe.