I had an interesting dream last night. Apparently trans issues are very much on my mind. The dream:
I was in my early thirties, lesbian, and single. A work related event had me attending a conference on substance abuse counseling. For lunch, we were paired and seated in small groups at round tables. The host of the event had arranged for specialty breads to accompany lunch, which arrived at the table in small, personal shaped loaves. I had been late arriving, and was seated at a table with another late comer named Jennifer. She was friendly, but very reserved. I was really attracted to her. We had each been served a different kind of bread, so we split our loaves and shared with each other. We seemed to be having fun, and then suddenly it was as if I hit a wall. I couldn't figure out what was wrong.
Next moment, we were standing outsound the building on a balcony after dinner, chatting. I had been flirting with her, but she was rarther reticent. Yet I could tell she was interested. She had changed clothes, and was wearing a shawl drawn up to her neck. The wind caught it, she moved just right, and I could see a thick thatch of hair on her chest. My first thought was curiosity. If she was self conscious, I wondered why she had not shaved. My second thought was the realization that I faced a trans person who presented as female. On the one hand, I am lesbian and was saddened that she wasn't really a woman. On the other hand, I fascinated, and I wanted to talk about it, but didn't know how to bring it.
Then the alarm went off
Having read and been strongly affected by Alissia's blog (her entry about her ex-wife), it is apparent that I was still processing what I read. I also must add that I am part of an online trans partner list, so I get a lot of food for thought there, as well. Then there is the obvious; that Cameron is transgender. The dream didn't seek to apply labels. I don't want to figure the dream woman, although I wanted to hear her story. I wasn't turned off or discouraged by recognzing the male beneath the exterior. I just sought the company of a fascinating person. Indeed, that juxtaposition of the male/female is wildly attractive and exciting to me.
So I tend to see this dream as an affirmation of our relationship, my attraction to her, and the power of that blend of masculine/feminine. On the other hand, a confession. that male/female juxtaposition was much easier before it was named. When I saw it, and simply recognized it as part of the woman I love. It was easier before someone pathologized it; named it; called it a disorder. Maybe the label gives Cameron relief, that ah-hah moment of "so that's what I am." For me the label undercuts who she is; for me; she simply is the boi I love beyond all measure, beyond all reason simply because she is what she is.
Sometimes Cameron feels like she has opened Pandora's box. She fears how this journey might affect us, as do I on occassion. Nevertheless, I am not hostage to this journey. I walk this journey of exploration because I love her. Because I choose it. Because I want to. Because I have lived without her, and this is better. And while recognzing her as Transgendered changes everything, it also changes nothing.
