A few months ago the engine in my car seized, which required $2300 repair. My dad was kind enough to help financially, for only the second time in my adult life, and I caught a lot of rides over the three weeks required for the repair. Then the landlord of the mechanic hit my car and I spent last week in an insurance provided Jeep. It was a joy to drive, except it cost $78 in gas when I normally would have spent $25.
|Cameron reading out loud to a captive audience.|
In the background: Dickens
On the TV: Lugh, Tully and Xian
I've actually rolled with these fears, concerns and worries fairly well. The breaking point is work. I'm going to try to find a way that if my boss would accidentally find this site, I would not be out of work, and yet convey the challenge and frustration of my situation. I'll ask that comments also reflect the desperate need of my paycheck.
We have about 850 clients that come to the clinic between every day and once every two weeks. The front hall, just outside my door and pictured here, has had quite an effect on them. Most people don't like change. Addicts particularly don't like change, and their reactive behavior to the current condition of the clinic has been notable. My own reaction isn't much better. I've lost all time sense, and have lost all connections to the outside world, the seasons, and the weather. I adored looking out my window. My office was extremely warm yesterday because the window also insulated. It'll take about six weeks to complete construction. I've requested a new office, and pray they listen. In the mean time, I feel like I'm loosing my mind.
Yes, I know that last statement sounds melodramatic. But therein also lies truth. It's been a hard, hard summer. Normally summer replenish my spirit and prepare me for the cold winter months and restricted lighting. I'm dysthemic, which means chronic depression. In other words, I'm naturally "the glass is half empty" kind of girl. As the daughter of a schizophrenic mother, I'm bred to see the world through treacherous lenses. In my mind, everything is always going to be as hard is it is, right now, forever. Unfortunately, history has often reinforced that lesson. Between finances, the deterioration of our home which we can't afford to repair, the shortage of grocery money, bill collectors and the like, things have been a struggle for a very long time. Most of the time I still manage to stay on top of it. Cameron is quite a blessing and positive person, which helps considerably.
|June 6, 2011|
In reflection, I think the office is the universe's affirmation that it's nearing time to leave my current job. I never wanted to work in addictions, anyway. But I needed a job and it was an opportunity in my field. I was lucky to find work when most of peers at school could not. I've hated the hours from the beginning, but it made grad school, the practicum and now the internship possible. As of this week, I've completed the hours required for licensure (I still have to see client and have supervision until Dec 2012, but the hours requirement can be the most difficult part to fulfill).