Prosperity

Once again, my email list have me wonderful things to think through. This is a compilation of several emails. I was responding to a fellow list member struggling with issues to do with prosperity, asking for needs, and possible backlash from a spell she had done. The following is about three responses, woven into one. I share with my blogging friends because the things I say here influence so much of who I am:
Rather than money spells, I try to think in terms of prosperity spells. I visualize the bounty of the universe as a ocean, sufficient to all and available to all. Many of us have been trained not to be greedy, so we don't ask for the prosperity we need. I don't believe that calling to us that which is needed or desired is greedy.

Prosperity, by the way, is more than money. It is all the things we need, including a place to live, transportation, eduction, bills paid, etc. Specifically, I like to visualize myself drawing on the bounty of the universe. And sometimes, instead of the teaspoons we've been trained to use, I like to use buckets or even pipelines to draw what is needed.

Often, I have found, it's very hard to open to the bounty of the universe. For me, it comes down to worthiness issues. I have trouble internalizing that I am truly worthy of having my needs and desires met; that I am a worthy child of the universe. So when I do prosperity spells, I try to work something in to claim my place in the universe as a child of the lord and lady. I try to state my worthiness and place it within the context of calling to me the bounty available to all when we open ourselves to possibility and magic. I also place the call in the context of best possible outcome, in case there's some miracle that I haven't thought of that might answer my call better than I have envisioned.

I recongnize the right for all to decide what they may/may not do. That said, because I have worthiness issues (abused in the past and all that), I have come to believe that we are co-creators with the universe and have the right and responsiblity to see to that our needs are met so that we can then meet the needs of others appropriately. Indeed, without our basic needs met, it is extremely difficult to meet the needs of others.

it seems to me that wicca/paganism especially demands a heck of a lot of personal responsiblity. In my view, as a witch it is my responsiblity not so much to seek power, but to utilize my resources, including my own personal power, to do the work of Diety (as a priestess I see myself as a channel, but also called to use my own resources in Her service). One of things that drew me to this path, in opposition to Christianity, is that I have a direct access to Deity, and that I am personally responsible to do the work to make the magic happen. When I keep in mind the Wiccan Rede, then it all seems to balance quite nicely.

In my work, I have a responsiblity to provide whatever healing I can, for example, because that is part of my calling to this path. Indeed, I am blessed to work as a therapist and as a substance abuse counselor, so I literally consider myself in the Lady's direct service as a healer. Yes, I have gifts and abilities. I have trained and learned my art for a long time. Yet my gifts and abilities sort of co-mingle with with the priestess part of me to become something really bigger than I am alone. So when I'm balanced and functioning well, I become a channel for the Goddess' work. Perhaps power is wrapped into that work, but I just don't think of that way.

Once I have worked out a spell, I work it repetitively. Usually every night for seven nights, or even thirty. I find that the repetition gets it into my subconscious which further opens me to the possibilities of the universe...

Wicca and Divine Power

I love being part of an online community because they give me so much to think about. Currently, I'm a mentor for a study group that is reading Scott Cunningham's Wicca for the Solitary Practitioner. Here's the first question posed to the group and my response.

Cunningham says that the Wicca acknowledge a supreme divine power from which the universe sprang, but because the concept of this power is so far beyond our comprehension, it has been nearly lost in Wicca because of our difficulty relating to it. Do you agree? How do you personally feel about this concept?

As many of you know, Cameron and I are duel pathed. I tease her that she's a little more Christian than Wiccan, and I am a little more Wicccan that Christian. But since I'm about to join the church where she's a member, guess I best claim both equally! LOL

And yes, there's a reason for that statement that relates to our first discussion question. Bear in mind that these are my personal beliefs and by no means do I think they apply to anyone else.

Abuse characterized my early years, and patriarchy complete with the Christian church was part of that trauma. For many years I walked away from the Christian God. Instead, I sought the Goddess as a way to Divinity and healing. I knew from the first time I stepped into circle that I was called to be a priestess. Twelve years later, this third degree priestess in reconciling her faith in dual traditions.

In the big picture, so to speak, I picture "Divinity" as a wholeness beyond my understanding with both male and female aspects. I do think Divinity is incomprehensible, and that it is necessary to break it down to male and female aspects in order to relate to divinity. I also belive that divinity resides within each of us, hence we greet one another as "thou art god/dess".

On one hand, I don't picture "God" in church as exclusively the male Deity of the Christian faith. I try to think of the Christian God including Sophia, the Holy Spirit, or Wisdom.

On the other hand, I find the male aspect easily in church because that is the thoughtform fed by so many centuries of patriarchy and Christian teaching. I do tend to focus on the female aspect in my priestess role. Nevertheless, in a round about way, I have come to agree with Cunningham's statement regarding a supreme divine power. And since Cameron channels male energy, I leave all the male "stuff" to her!

As my path continues, I expect that in another ten years I will be able to find both male and female aspects of Divinity regardless of being in circle or church. I firmly believe in the necessity of balance, and expect to find the balance of male and female energy within myself as my healing continues, whether that be in this lifetime or the next.

How I actually go about reconciling my dual path is beyond the scope of this question. But I will say that thinking about this topic led me to Wiccan Place three months ago. While I was waiting to be approved to join, I started a blog, and anyone is welcome to read more there, Wicca and Christianity

Turn of the Spiral

First step: flashback

Invoke the usual "I was abused as a child" tale. My mother was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia. Never told the school counselor, whom I saw bi-weekly, what was really happening. Use your imagination.

My Diagnosis: Attachment Disorder.

First turn of the spiral: Pregnancy

Age 19. I loved my child. Received Christian pastoral counseling. No help. I was separated from my husband, pregnant by another man, taken in by an adoption agency and emotionally abused by a "shepherding father" who felt I was a bad influence for his teen daughters. Guess he expected a nice, contrite, never been married, didn't work kind of girl who would be grateful (meaning obedient). Received yet more counseling with different counselor. I fled, keeping my baby.

Second turn of the spiral

Age 20. Divorced from first husband, remarried the day before the baby was born to another young man with no idea of what he was getting into. He said he loved me. I was desperate. Living back home with the schizophrenic mother and codependent father. Two weeks later, moved 150 miles to where my husband lived. My husband never really understood what he had on his hands. I called it alcoholism (wait, don't I need a drunk-a-log for that? But alcoholics are just like me, except I never drank).

Diagnosis: Borderline Personality Disorder

Third turn of the spiral

Age 23. I have no more parenting/mothering skills than my mother had. I live in a town where I know no one. I stay at home with the baby. And with the next one. I convince my husband to join the church of my childhood. My husband works full time, and the romantic idea of a wife and ready made family doesn't match the reality. Received marital counseling. No help.
Husband's diagnosis: Major Depressive Mood Disorder, Chronic.

Forth turn of the spiral

Age 24. Desperation. Received individual counseling. I call child protective services on myself out of fear. I have a infant and a toddler, I am exhausted, depressed, strangling on inner emptiness and still isolated. I hear the anger in my voice. No one should yell at a three-year-old like that. I hit his diapered bottom too many times. I love my children, why is this happening? My husband is at a loss and has no clue. I call child protective services on myself. Child protective services can't see a problem and send me shopping (with what money? I have none) to get me out of the house for a few hours. They determine there's no problem.

Diagnosis: Post Partum Depression; Major Depressive Disorder, Chronic; Borderline Personality Disorder.

Fifth turn of the spiral

Isolated. I don't fit the Tuesday morning Women's Bible Study Group. They are kind, but carefully distant - perhaps judgemental. The minister brought us into the church, and abandoned us after orientation classes (after I had been baptized for the forth time). No friends. No family. Out of desperation, I create MAJOR DRAMA. My husband is self-righteously hurt, and I feel guilty and justified in leaving my children in his care...in reality, I am fleeing because I fear I might harm them, might become an abuser, even as I was abused. I surrender my children because of something I haven't done. They were not abused. I feared only that I might.

Cultural detail: Even today billboards in this state proclaim: Spare the rod and spoil the child. No wonder the church/child protective services didn't really see a problem. Or understand my fear.

Continual turns of the spiral

Married four times, divorced three times, widowed once, one broken engagement

Intermittent counseling, some help

Got my GED and then went on to college and received my degree in Bachelor of Sciences, major: English
Continued on to Graduate School

Segues: Extreme Marital abuse (3rd and 4th husbands)

Turn of the spiral

Discover Goddess centered spirituality.
Break old patterns and old habits...
Receive spiritual counseling. Tremendous help.

Move again.
Age 40: Come Out as Lesbian.

Enter into life partnership/marriage with Cameron - a healthy, stable loving relationship.

Fabulous Therapist...amazing progress. Much healing.

Return to Graduate school for a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy.

Meaningful, powerful work as a Substance abuse counselor.

Diagnosis: Borderline Disorder burned out and passed, stabilizing, happy, strong - what diagnostic tools do we have for Mental Healthiness?

Turn of the spiral

Transformation: I know what I'm called to be: Lesbian, Priestess, Therapist

Today

I'm behind on supervision hours, as I was reminded in clinical evaluations yesterday. So Play Therapist Supervisor invited me to sit in her group supervision today. I didn't know until I arrived that the morning session had been devoted to completing the training of several play therapy supervisors and I was the Guinea Pig. She asks if I have a DVD of a play therapy session I have run.

Yes, I have a play therapy DVD. Yes, it's the one I turned in for my summer for class. Yes, I perceived it as the worst one I've ever recorded because I handled limit setting so badly.

Play Therapist Supervisor states it's nowhere as bad as I portray it. I don't believe her. She's just being nice, because she's like that, you know. So I play the DVD, proud that I'm calm while showing it to Play Therapist Supervisor, four licensed play therapists that are finishing certification this week for supervising, two Marriage and Family Therapy Interns, and one Marriage and Family Therapy student. And while I'm trying to tell them what I terrible job I've done, they are shaking their heads and offering amazing and insightful comments about how good it is. My supervisor says that I am one of her best student play therapists.

Then one of them offers a comment. He uses one of my favorite metaphors about time being a three dimensional spiral. As we circle around we reencounter old lessons, challenges ectera, but we encounter them at a new level and learn new things. He suggested maybe that's the process I was in while making the DVD and in how I perceive it. Then Play therapist Supervisor asks me: "Working from the framework as self-as-a-therapist, what old button does this video hit?"

In one blinding, clarifying moment I know why I have backed away from doing play therapy for the last three months. Because for one moment, for 1/10 of a second, I sounded like my mother as I struggled to lay down a boundary with a beautiful developmentally delayed three-year-old child. Before I got his name past my lips, I had heard my tone of voice and shifted. But all I remembered was that tone and the slump of his shoulders as I broke his trust with my "mom" voice. It had broken my heart. And although I caught it immediately, the limit then set appropriately, and reparation made, I carried that wound away with me. I clutched it to my heart, hidden and filled with pain. No true damage was done, yet my inner guilt from the past rose up to swallow me.

And in front of all those people, I looked at my supervisor, tears in my eyes, was handed a Kleenex, took a deep breath, asked for a moment, and told my story as briefly as possible. And I recognized that the past was blocking me with old pain and guilt. That I am actually good at child play therapy. That my peers think well of me and praise me. And that room full of therapists heard me, assured me, and offered this spiral of growth and healing.

Reconciliation and Healing

Ravenstar recently wrote in her blog of her ambiguity of being a woman. Like so many of us, she had found restriction within the patriarchal model set by her ancestors. She recently explored what that means to her, which inspired my own inner reflection.

Like Ravenstar, I wanted to be the mother, daughter, woman that my society and family expected. However, I never seemed to quite manage it. For many years I considered that to be an inadequacy on my part. Now I claim my strengths as I became a non-custodial mother, a highly educated woman, and now a lesbian.

I remember the moment I could not stay with the father of my children. My grandparents, like their parents had done, were about to celebrate their 50th anniversary. I cross-stitched a beautiful picture commemorating the occasion. Working the thread was a meditative experience and forced me to confront my fears. I kept thinking that if I did not want to remain married to him for 50 years, then did I really want to remain married for 25 to see my children grown. Could I? It was a short jump to asking myself what the hell was I doing there if I was not willing to commit my life.

Like Ravenstar, I felt deeply ashamed. Unlike my partner, who feels ambiguity with her gender, I have always been a frilly fem who loves satin and lace. I may have traded high heels for earth shoes, but I still enjoy a little glitter and lipstick. Yet those feelings of shame, of defectiveness as Ravenstar describes, remained with me a great many years.

Only as I left behind my oppressive background, a patriarchal God, and the expectations of men did I discover the truth of myself. Fifteen years ago I lived in pain, 24-7. Those who could read auras flinched from the jagged shards of red surrounding me. I was acutely aware of the pain with every breath. I used and abused my sexuality for attention, for comfort, or in place of love.

When I could not match the societal expectations, I lived in defiance. I have never followed the traditional path for women very well. Following the most abusive relationship of my life, I found Wicca. As I entered the goddess tradition, over time I began seeing my own divinity within. I began recognizing my sacredness, which led to a path of healing and eventually a calling.

As I moved into middle age and came out as lesbian, I also moved into early menopause. Without the wild hormonal extremes that dominated so much of my life, I was freed move into a place of self examination and healing. One of the most powerful rituals that I have ever requested was an Episcalian rite of absolution. Much like the Catholic confessional, I spent several afternoons sequestered with my priest, Mother Linda, telling her my story. I left the last of the shame, the last of the separation from Divinity, the last of my own inner voice of self castigation at that altar rail.

I find it appropriate, as I am duel pathed, that I would tell those stories and ask forgiveness in a Christian church to female Priest. I could not have entered my third degree circle without the reconciliation of my paths and my gods/goddesses. Certainly those feelings of shame occasionally return, but they no longer dominate my life. Certainly I am haunted by regrets. My eldest son is wounded by the past in ways he does not understand and cannot hear.

Two weeks after the rite of absolution, I completed the ritual for my third degree. In the place of those painful places flourishes the faith in a goddess who exists with a god as Divinity and within myself. As I hear the journeys of other women, I am mindful that I may have reached this point of my life a little quicker than some because of those divorces, those losses, and that pain.

I began confronting those patriarchal demons in my twenties when I gave my ex-husband custody of our children. I had to learn to live in defiance, and later with, around and through, patriarchy to survive. Funny how we can see the strengthens and gifts only in hind sight. Yet the power to reframe our stories, to seek the inner wisdom and divine spaces, results in possibility of becoming powerful women.

This is the lovely Lady who sits on my altar. I found her at Phonix and Dragon in Atlanta. Cameron tells me I had been drawn to her previously, though I had no memory of her.

We were visiting Fiber Geek and Cat when we went to the pagan bookstore. I was drawn to her, and found myself carrying her around the store, tears inexplicably streaming down my cheeks. She had to go home with me. Cameron had no say (fortunately, she was encouraging). Rather than buy groceries that week, we had my Lady.

Gaia's hair is adorned with dragon flies, which represent magic. Although I've studied many pantheons and work specifically with Innanna, Bastet, and Kali, when I think of the Lady, this is the image that comes to mind.

This beautiful image came to me today by way of of GrannyMoon's Morning Feast. It honors the Goddess Luonatar. I like GrannyMoon's approach to "The teachings here are based on ordinary magick, the principle that the mundane and the Divine are not separate, but peacefully coexist in all things."

Finding the sacred in the ordinary gives life purpose. As I work my way through school, and make my living as a substance abuse counselor, I am reminded daily of how much I value the opportunity to answer my calling. Today will be a 17 hour day from the time I leave home, work, do therapy at the clinic and then attend my play therapy class this evening.

Exhausted does not begin to describe how I feel. Yet I thrive, because for the first time in my life I am doing the work I am called to do. While I have always tried to recognize the sacred in the mundane, it is much easier these days. I am so grateful for the opportunity to work in my field, to do therapy with my clients, to attend classes. I look forward to attended seminary as well.

I always think of therapy rooms as sacred space. Now my office at work is likewise sacred. As the wounded pour in, I am reminded again and again that miracles happen through simple kindnesses and gentle words. Perhaps my work as managing a restaurant, or as a technical writer was likewise sacred, but it certainly was not my calling. My world has become joyful.

Ironic, when it can also be incredibly challenging. Yesterday a co-therapist who was seeing the children of my client had to report her to DSS. My client is angry and feels betrayed because my co-therapist did not talk to her before the call was made. Today a client returned to the clinic for the forth time, in the worst shape I have ever seen her. DSS has already taken her children. Yet my words have the power to comfort, to inform, to direct. My words can be channeled from the goddess to her children when I get out of the way. What an amazing thing.

Goddess in a Box

I posted this challenge to my favorite e-mail list. I figured it would only be fair to answer here before everyone else begins chiming in!

As part of my first degree challenge, I was given an assignment to create a Goddess in a Box. I bought a picnic basket and could put 10 things in it that I would want to have with me in case of a pagan/wiccan emergency. Over time I found my needs changed as I took my box for various workings. It also got smaller as I got more in tune with my own needs. Here's what is in mine now:

Goddess in a Box
1. Pencil - spell writing and note taking
2. Paper
3. Small Goddess figure - mini alter
4. String - binding, cutting, and tying spells to candles
5. Matches or lighter
6. Tarot cards - divination
7. Balancing eggs - I cheat here: one pink and green; egg shaped glass does a remarkable job of balancing/calming
8. Athame
9. Candle
10. Sage incense - clearing and sanctifying

Depending on the working, I may substitute a wand for the athame. I find that it works better for delicate healing and energy work. My favorite want was previously a hair stick with a stone set in the end. It was gifted to me.

Maid, Mother and Crone (with Enchantress and Warrior)

I remember reading Robert Jordan’s series The Wheel of the World and being amused by a young heroine who kept wishing for grey hair. As a wise woman, she felt that people would respect her a whole a lot more with a streak of grey; thus allowing them to overlook her youth when she gave them good answers.

While my words are not disregarded, there is truth in trusting the words of a mature woman over youth. While our society values youth, idolizing the young and expecting beauty to reside in a lack of wrinkles, we still seem to believe experience makes us better therapists, counselors, and village wise ones.

With these thoughts in mind, I created this created this collage. I wanted to honor all aspects of the goddess within.

Of course, in my house we are servants of the Goddess Bastet. Notice the image of a black cat on the collage. Liu is asleep in the art back, and Thor, the grey cat, oversees all.

Blessed be the furbabies, and we their servants.

So mote it be.