Moments of Bliss...and Unconditional Love

So I'm reading EAT PRAY LOVE by Elizabeth Gilbert. I deliberately choose not to see the movie, at least until after I experience the book. Not that I have anything against Julia Roberts, but I doubt she can achieve what I need to experience. Yes, I love the book so far.

I've reached about the middle when she talks about people coming to the Ashram from all over the world for a week of silent medication. Now I don't know about you, but the flashes of silence I get in mediation are an incredible relief. My mind races, worries, constantly. My limbic system got wired for constant emergencies at my mother's knee. Literally. I would not say I'm good at silent meditation. I would say that I've been practicing for a very long time...since I started studying Wicca, actually. And I need a lot more practice. It does come easier in my late 40s than it did in my early thirties.

I've also done one short, silent meditation. I took a 24 hour period to go to The Snail's pace, in Saluda, NC the day before my third degree ceremony. It was awesome. I've been craving an opportunity to return and do it again, but have never found the right time. Funny how chosen silence brings out so much "stuff." I've had enforced silence, going up to four days at a time without speaking to another human being on a regular basis because my life had become so isolated. Nothing restful there. More like I was verging on insanity.

So I'm reading my book, the TV is off, I don't listen to a lot of music, and the only sound in the house is the crackle of the fire and the sound a fan (gotta have a fan if you want to burn a fire and have hot flashes). The author writes about the sacred bliss that comes when we claim our inner perfection, our inner sacredness. And I looked around my humble home, and thought about the anxiety of the earlier part of the day, and as I watched the fire, and the cats, I thought, "this is it." I am, in this moment, blessed. I wish I could keep this moment of certainty, of connection, of love when the cat pans need doing, and I get up at 3:30 in the morning to go to work, when anxiety rules my moments.

One little note of serendipity. As I made my way through the section where the author reconciled her losses in relationships, including her ex-husband and a boyfriend, I had my own moment today. I married a man when I turned 30 from India. While I had known him for five years, during which he pursued me relentlessly, I didn't know I had also married a psychopath...a dangerous story for another day. I got my own affirmation for good decisions today while reading about the reconciliations to the past. I received a notice that the condo my ex and I owned together was about to be auctioned off for unpaid taxes. I did some quick research and made a phone call or two. Turns out he's still a computer programmer, working for a company with world-wide name recognition. He's probably making $100,000 a year and hasn't paid an accumulated $3,000 tax debt. He kept our condo out of spite when we divorced because he knew he I wanted it. He's probably let it go to move himself and his Indian wife (arranged marriage) into his parent's condo across the street...and rather than pay the debt, characteristically let it go. He always said he didn't care about money. Actually, he did. But only for the power it gave him over others; he paid his parent's and brother's bills while letting his own go so that he could have power. Yep, I got the Universe's confirmation of good decisions on a day I needed to hear it...

I don't know about you, but keeping  unconditional love for myself is hard. I certainly didn't have it this morning when I wailed about my shortcomings. I didn't have it for my wife when I got all impatient because she didn't "get it" the instant I thought she should. Or maybe I did. When the hurricane is gone, and we are left in comfortable silence, when we know our place in the universe and trust in the love we share with the people in our lives, and when my wife still loves me no matter what I twit I have been; maybe that is also sacred, blessed, and filled with grace.

Musings and Reflections upon Turning 46

Having a birthday on September first, right when school starts, meant that as a child I always claimed my new birthday much earlier in the summer so as to appear older. I found myself resuming that habit this year. Perhaps I was not seeking to appear older so much as the last year has been so full I should already be able to claim that next year!

The last few years have been quite eventful. I began working on an Ed.S. degree in marriage and family therapy in the spring semester of 2007. I am quickly becoming a dinosaur in a program that has shifted to only offering a MA. I am now half way through my practicum, and this time next year will be taking the liscensure exam and beginning my fellowship.

When I began the graduate program, I was making excellent money as a debt collector as well as receiving tuition reimbursements. My disposable income has decreased by $31,000 a year. We are barely making it, and that's thanks to whatever work Cameron can occasionally pick up and student loans. But we are still afloat, unlike so many right now with this economy.

Cameron and I have now celebrated six years together. While we continue to struggle with extreme poverty, we are rich in many thing that matter. We did finally manage to exchange our old ratty love seat (extremely damaged by cats and passing years) for a futon this week. Lovely birthday present for me!

My youngest son called me yesterday and wished me a happy birthday. The Enlightened One has landed a long-term substitute teaching position in his local school district for decent pay. His wife is finishing up her student teaching. They bring my heart joy. I also raised the idea of meeting up during my westward camping trip next summer when Cameron and I go see the parental units again.

I continue to work in my field, albeit substance abuse. Few of my peers have landed a position since their graduation. With budget cuts in South Carolina, getting a job with DSS or Mental Health continues to prove challenging. It's my hope to never have to apply for another job (except my fellowship). I hope that while working on my fellowship, I can start my own practice. At the end, hopefully I will have enough clients to work for myself.

I adore this stage of my life. The growing pains are past. Most of the trauma has settled (PTSD doesn't seem to ever go away entirely). I am in a committed relationship with a woman who treats me wonderfully and loves me well, my children flourish, and I work in my field. With the exceptions of the hardships inflicted by a shortage of money, my life is exactly what I want it to be today. Not so shabby for being only 46!