Moments of Bliss...and Unconditional Love

So I'm reading EAT PRAY LOVE by Elizabeth Gilbert. I deliberately choose not to see the movie, at least until after I experience the book. Not that I have anything against Julia Roberts, but I doubt she can achieve what I need to experience. Yes, I love the book so far.

I've reached about the middle when she talks about people coming to the Ashram from all over the world for a week of silent medication. Now I don't know about you, but the flashes of silence I get in mediation are an incredible relief. My mind races, worries, constantly. My limbic system got wired for constant emergencies at my mother's knee. Literally. I would not say I'm good at silent meditation. I would say that I've been practicing for a very long time...since I started studying Wicca, actually. And I need a lot more practice. It does come easier in my late 40s than it did in my early thirties.

I've also done one short, silent meditation. I took a 24 hour period to go to The Snail's pace, in Saluda, NC the day before my third degree ceremony. It was awesome. I've been craving an opportunity to return and do it again, but have never found the right time. Funny how chosen silence brings out so much "stuff." I've had enforced silence, going up to four days at a time without speaking to another human being on a regular basis because my life had become so isolated. Nothing restful there. More like I was verging on insanity.

So I'm reading my book, the TV is off, I don't listen to a lot of music, and the only sound in the house is the crackle of the fire and the sound a fan (gotta have a fan if you want to burn a fire and have hot flashes). The author writes about the sacred bliss that comes when we claim our inner perfection, our inner sacredness. And I looked around my humble home, and thought about the anxiety of the earlier part of the day, and as I watched the fire, and the cats, I thought, "this is it." I am, in this moment, blessed. I wish I could keep this moment of certainty, of connection, of love when the cat pans need doing, and I get up at 3:30 in the morning to go to work, when anxiety rules my moments.

One little note of serendipity. As I made my way through the section where the author reconciled her losses in relationships, including her ex-husband and a boyfriend, I had my own moment today. I married a man when I turned 30 from India. While I had known him for five years, during which he pursued me relentlessly, I didn't know I had also married a psychopath...a dangerous story for another day. I got my own affirmation for good decisions today while reading about the reconciliations to the past. I received a notice that the condo my ex and I owned together was about to be auctioned off for unpaid taxes. I did some quick research and made a phone call or two. Turns out he's still a computer programmer, working for a company with world-wide name recognition. He's probably making $100,000 a year and hasn't paid an accumulated $3,000 tax debt. He kept our condo out of spite when we divorced because he knew he I wanted it. He's probably let it go to move himself and his Indian wife (arranged marriage) into his parent's condo across the street...and rather than pay the debt, characteristically let it go. He always said he didn't care about money. Actually, he did. But only for the power it gave him over others; he paid his parent's and brother's bills while letting his own go so that he could have power. Yep, I got the Universe's confirmation of good decisions on a day I needed to hear it...

I don't know about you, but keeping  unconditional love for myself is hard. I certainly didn't have it this morning when I wailed about my shortcomings. I didn't have it for my wife when I got all impatient because she didn't "get it" the instant I thought she should. Or maybe I did. When the hurricane is gone, and we are left in comfortable silence, when we know our place in the universe and trust in the love we share with the people in our lives, and when my wife still loves me no matter what I twit I have been; maybe that is also sacred, blessed, and filled with grace.

Reconciliation and Healing

Ravenstar recently wrote in her blog of her ambiguity of being a woman. Like so many of us, she had found restriction within the patriarchal model set by her ancestors. She recently explored what that means to her, which inspired my own inner reflection.

Like Ravenstar, I wanted to be the mother, daughter, woman that my society and family expected. However, I never seemed to quite manage it. For many years I considered that to be an inadequacy on my part. Now I claim my strengths as I became a non-custodial mother, a highly educated woman, and now a lesbian.

I remember the moment I could not stay with the father of my children. My grandparents, like their parents had done, were about to celebrate their 50th anniversary. I cross-stitched a beautiful picture commemorating the occasion. Working the thread was a meditative experience and forced me to confront my fears. I kept thinking that if I did not want to remain married to him for 50 years, then did I really want to remain married for 25 to see my children grown. Could I? It was a short jump to asking myself what the hell was I doing there if I was not willing to commit my life.

Like Ravenstar, I felt deeply ashamed. Unlike my partner, who feels ambiguity with her gender, I have always been a frilly fem who loves satin and lace. I may have traded high heels for earth shoes, but I still enjoy a little glitter and lipstick. Yet those feelings of shame, of defectiveness as Ravenstar describes, remained with me a great many years.

Only as I left behind my oppressive background, a patriarchal God, and the expectations of men did I discover the truth of myself. Fifteen years ago I lived in pain, 24-7. Those who could read auras flinched from the jagged shards of red surrounding me. I was acutely aware of the pain with every breath. I used and abused my sexuality for attention, for comfort, or in place of love.

When I could not match the societal expectations, I lived in defiance. I have never followed the traditional path for women very well. Following the most abusive relationship of my life, I found Wicca. As I entered the goddess tradition, over time I began seeing my own divinity within. I began recognizing my sacredness, which led to a path of healing and eventually a calling.

As I moved into middle age and came out as lesbian, I also moved into early menopause. Without the wild hormonal extremes that dominated so much of my life, I was freed move into a place of self examination and healing. One of the most powerful rituals that I have ever requested was an Episcalian rite of absolution. Much like the Catholic confessional, I spent several afternoons sequestered with my priest, Mother Linda, telling her my story. I left the last of the shame, the last of the separation from Divinity, the last of my own inner voice of self castigation at that altar rail.

I find it appropriate, as I am duel pathed, that I would tell those stories and ask forgiveness in a Christian church to female Priest. I could not have entered my third degree circle without the reconciliation of my paths and my gods/goddesses. Certainly those feelings of shame occasionally return, but they no longer dominate my life. Certainly I am haunted by regrets. My eldest son is wounded by the past in ways he does not understand and cannot hear.

Two weeks after the rite of absolution, I completed the ritual for my third degree. In the place of those painful places flourishes the faith in a goddess who exists with a god as Divinity and within myself. As I hear the journeys of other women, I am mindful that I may have reached this point of my life a little quicker than some because of those divorces, those losses, and that pain.

I began confronting those patriarchal demons in my twenties when I gave my ex-husband custody of our children. I had to learn to live in defiance, and later with, around and through, patriarchy to survive. Funny how we can see the strengthens and gifts only in hind sight. Yet the power to reframe our stories, to seek the inner wisdom and divine spaces, results in possibility of becoming powerful women.