Project Hope: Started Feb 4

280 pounds on a 5 foot 4 inch frame. It's a funny feeling to know you could easily weigh less than half your current weight and still be healthy.

I've begun this journey a number of times. And I've always lost the weight and kept if as long as I exercised. However, grad school, injuries, etc have gotten in the way, again and again. So I didn't even write about the beginning of this journey until I had already established new patterns.

I'm going to be 50 on September 1. I am menopausal, and it just doesn't take a lot of calories to keep going. And I like to eat. I eat when I am happy. I eat when I am sad. I eat when I am tired, lonely, angry. I just eat. And I love sweat things.

So on Feb 4 I made a commitment to myself to change. The first four weeks I mall walked. Who knew the mall was a huge pick up place? I've had more men hit on me mall walking than I have in the last five years! LOL No worries. No man is competition when I have Cameron in my life; )

Then I bought Richard Simmon's Project Hope, which I've been doing this week. I love Richard. I have many of his videos. But project hope is awesome. Three levels of workouts so I can work my way up. And the cardio is about 20 minutes, so if I don't have a lot of time, I can still do something. He has also added weights...which I need desperately. The challenge on the first video is Balance. Oh boy do I need this challenge. It ain't pretty right now and I can't do it without a chair. But that doesn't matter. I'm doing it.

So I'm going to share this journey on my blog in all my unique brutal honesty. I am shaped like a pear, so a lot of my weight is on my arms and legs. Better for my heart, but hard on the circulation. The doctor at work is making noise about circulation and blood pressure. A lot of the weight is in what I call "fat pockets" riding over the tops of my knees, at the ankles, and hanging on my underarms. I'm hoping serious toning will prevent the need for surgery for loose skin later, but we'll see. My goal is to loose 120 pounds. While I could stand to loose more, I think that is reasonable and I can always reevaluate my goal later.

I've had two friends in the last five years die from food choices. That's not going to happen here. I'm out of grad school, done with the internship, and ready to start taking care of myself. I already move better and feel better. 

Food and the World's Greatest Spaghetti Sauce

Have I mentioned that I am compulsive overeater? No, really. Card carrying. Even attended 12 step meetings in my twenties when I still lived in Ar. I've struggled with my weight all of my life. Deprivation and abuse as a child can do that to a person. Enough said about that today, as that's not the point at all.

When I turned 40 I moved to SC (chasing Cameron, and caught her too!). I didn't know I was perimenapausal. In my late thirties I weighed 169 pounds, was a size 16 and quite satisfied with my weight. Changing metabolism, depression, sedimentary job and my weight went up. Did the Atkins thing for a while, got back to a size 18, and then became a debt collector. Have I mentioned I hated that job, although I was very good at it: "Hi, I'm calling on behalf of Dollar General and have your return check here in my office. We are scheduled to send it back through your account on Friday for $207.69 including the return check fee. Will your funds available or do you need me to wait until Monday?"

I topped out at 291 pounds. That's a lot of weight for someone who doesn't quiet make it to 5-04. Worse, being broke is not conducive to healthy eating. Fresh fruit and veggies are expensive. And stress and depression don't help.

Things have changed a little. I'm in a job I love, even if I do work for Scrooge (please have another lump of coal? Running the air conditioning when it's 20 degrees outside should be illegal). I've had a little discussion with my body about portions (half what it used to be...post menopausal women really don't need a lot of food...damn). Cameron's student loan came in, and I tackled our kitchen. Yes, there really was a can from 1999. And if people generously have brought us food on occasion, out of kindness upon seeing our empty cabinets or frig, I'm still not eating the gift of black eyed peas.

All out of date cans cleared from the shelves, I had room to organize. And then I changed how we eat. We've cut our portions. And I get one desert a day. Every day. No cravings, no deprivation, no guilt. And if I screw up, no starting over, I just keep going.

Today I weigh 277 pounds. I've still a long way to go, but it's happening. And food is going from my little secret to my public pleasure. So don't be surprised when my favorite recipes, some borrowed, some created, show up here.

So here's the most awesome Spaghetti Sauce Recipe I've ever made:

Spaghetti and Meat Sauce

In the crock pot, combine:

3 cans Hunts diced tomatoes with basil, garlic and oregano

2 cans tomato paste

1 20 ounce can crushed tomatoes

Brown sugar

mushrooms

In a skillet combine:

                2 pounds hamburger

                1 stalk celery diced

                1 large onion diced

                Fennel

                Oregano

                Basil

                Thyme

                Garlic

Drain the hamburger and combine with crock pot. Cook till dinner.

This makes tons...we ate lunch. And dinner. And I've a spaghetti casserole (top with mozzarella cheese and bake) for tomorrow. Cut those leftovers into servings and freeze for another day. A reasonable serving size, and little salad, and a desert (lemon bars today).

Oh, and the day I make deserts? Usually about once a week -- I get two! Rewards for sticking with it. LOL I also freeze any deserts not planned for the day. And they do not come out of the freezer until they are to be defrosted for the follow day. Oh, and I get to eat my desert first! Usually an hour or so before supper. Pretty cool, huh?

Breaking out of the Margins

There are days when I am amazed at the difference between my 20 something self and my 40+ self. Sexuality and self image probably are two the biggest difference. This morning I opened my yahoo browser and was greated by this headline: "Some NWA flight attendants want to wear red dress: Northwest flight attendants want Delta to offer bigger sizes of signature red dress uniform."

When starting my graduate program, we were told to wear black or red the first day because they are power colors. Those colors inately demand attention. As a child of patriarchy, I used those colors to appear attention getting, sexy. I used my sexuality to control men. I was controled by how my sexuality was perceived. As I have gained weight and become a size 24, my curves have settled into middle aged sagging everything. I wear very different cloths than I did 20 years ago, and find it liberating to walk about without eyes constantly staring at my ass.

So when I read this article, two things struck me. First, if Delta Airlines offers a red dress, then it needs to be sized for everyone to wear it. I get sick of buying clothes that are designed to cover as if my body is shameful, rather than flattering my body. So I find it alarming that Delta would hire a top notch fashion designer who would exclude women who do not meet his image of attractive. Indeed, according to the article, "Patricia Reller, who handles grievances for the union's executive committee, said Friday that even if there was only one flight attendant who wore a size over 18, that person should be able to wear the stylish red dress." Amen sister. We live in a culture that marginalizes competent, middle-aged women with bodies that do not fit small sizes. We perceive larger women as incompetetent, not sexy, and in need of being hidden, marginalized.

Worse, however, is the attitude of the fashion designer. When designer Richard Tyler commented on the new uniform, he said, "I want them to look sexy and great, but you have to keep that classic look as well." I want to know why uniforms should be designed to be sexy? We do not design uniforms to accent male sexuality, hinting at their cocks or balls, emphasizing their chests. We design them to be attractive but functional. By purposely designing uniforms to be sexy, the airline enforces a stereotype of women. The pilots, male, fly the plane and remain out of sight because they are IMPORTANT. Women offer drinks and wear sexy attire because that is their place.

I bring up Delta Airlines because it actually relates to my attitudes about Wicca. Goddess religion is fertility religion. Of course sex is a sacred part of our religion. The chalise and the blade represent the aspects of male and female. But at times we are also guilty of thinking in binary terms. We think male/female. We do not account for the trans person, the persons in the margins, the gender disorders, or the other rich and beautiful threads in the tapestry of sexuality. Indeed, Gerald Garner was a dirty old man who enjoyed walking around naked and fucking his priestesses. When they got too old, he replaced them with a younger model.

There are wiccans who enjoy the fertility aspects of wicca and use it as an opportunity to express their sexuality. I respect these views, even as my own views change. But as I move toward the years of a crone, I find myself rethinking the binary roles of wicca. I think that if we of the wicca fall into an exclusionary view of male and female, refusing to acknowledge the gender bending blurs, then we risk becoming as dangerous as the patriachal culture. I do not want to take the red dresses away from our priestesses, because that is a space in which expression of sexuality is appropriate. But I do treasure a space that anyone can wear a red dress regardless of what they look like under their robes...or out of them.