Maine voters reject gay-marriage law

I grieve. I don't even have words for how deeply this wounds the soul. Obviously, in no way does legal saction to marry my wife destroy another's marital rights. NOTHING changes for heterosexual people. And yet I'm such a threat, every state sees fit to deny my right to marry. The trick is in the advertising. By voting to uphold the institution of marriage, rather than voting for homosexual people to marry, then the advertising implies the voter is simply upholding the institution of marriage, rather than voting to deny  my rights. I've written about this little problem previously. Click on the label "Brian Brown" following the article.


By GLENN ADAMS and DAVID CRARY, Associated Press Writers Glenn Adams And David Crary, Associated Press Writers – 12 mins ago

PORTLAND, Maine – Maine voters repealed a state law Tuesday that would have allowed same-sex couples to wed, dealing the gay rights movement a heartbreaking defeat in New England, the corner of the country most supportive of gay marriage.

Gay marriage has now lost in every single state — 31 in all — in which it has been put to a popular vote. Gay-rights activists had hoped to buck that trend in Maine — known for its moderate, independent-minded electorate — and mounted an energetic, well-financed campaign.

With 87 percent of the precincts reporting, gay-marriage foes had 53 percent of the votes.

"The institution of marriage has been preserved in Maine and across the nation," declared Frank Schubert, chief organizer for the winning side.

Gay-marriage supporters held out hope that the tide would shift before conceding defeat at 2:40 a.m. in a statement that insisted they weren't going away.

"We're in this for the long haul. For next week, and next month, and next year — until all Maine families are treated equally. Because in the end, this has always been about love and family and that will always be something worth fighting for," said Jesse Connolly, manager of the pro-gay marriage campaign.

At issue was a law passed by the Maine Legislature last spring that would have legalized same-sex marriage. The law was put on hold after conservatives launched a petition drive to repeal it in a referendum.

The outcome Tuesday marked the first time voters had rejected a gay-marriage law enacted by a legislature. When Californians put a stop to same-sex marriage a year ago, it was in response to a court ruling, not legislation.

Five other states have legalized gay marriage — starting with Massachusetts in 2004, and followed by Vermont, New Hampshire, Connecticut and Iowa — but all did so through legislation or court rulings, not by popular vote. In contrast, constitutional amendments banning gay marriage have been approved in all 30 states where they have been on the ballot.

The defeat left some gay-marriage supporters bitter.

"Our relationship is between us," said Carla Hopkins, 38, of Mount Vernon, with partner Victoria Eleftherio, 38, sitting on her lap outside a hotel ballroom where gay marriage supporters had been hoping for a victory party. "How does that affect anybody else? It's a personal thing."

The contest had been viewed by both sides as certain to have national repercussions. Gay-marriage foes desperately wanted to keep their winning streak alive, while gay-rights activists sought to blunt the argument that gay marriage was being foisted on the country by courts and lawmakers over the will of the people.

Had Maine's law been upheld, the result would probably have energized efforts to get another vote on gay marriage in California, and given a boost to gay-marriage bills in New York and New Jersey.

Earlier Tuesday, before vote-counting began, gay-marriage foe Chuck Schott of Portland warned that Maine "will have its place in infamy" if the gay-rights side won.

Another Portland resident, Sarah Holman said she was "very torn" but decided — despite her conservative upbringing — to vote in favor of letting gays marry.

"They love and they have the right to love. And we can't tell somebody how to love," said Holman, 26.

In addition to reaching out to young people who flocked to the polls for President Barack Obama a year ago, gay-marriage defenders tried to appeal to Maine voters' pronounced independent streak and live-and-let-live attitude.

The other side based many of its campaign ads on claims — disputed by state officials — that the new law would mean "homosexual marriage" would be taught in public schools.

Both sides in Maine drew volunteers and contributions from out of state, but the money edge went to the campaign in defense of gay marriage, Protect Maine Equality. It raised $4 million, compared with $2.5 million for Stand for Marriage Maine.

Elsewhere on Tuesday, voters in Washington state voted on whether to uphold or overturn a recently expanded domestic partnership law that entitles same-sex couples to the same state-granted rights as heterosexual married couples. With half the precincts reporting, that race was too close to call.

In Kalamazoo, Mich., voters approved a measure that bars discrimination based on sexual orientation.

Turn of the Spiral

First step: flashback

Invoke the usual "I was abused as a child" tale. My mother was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia. Never told the school counselor, whom I saw bi-weekly, what was really happening. Use your imagination.

My Diagnosis: Attachment Disorder.

First turn of the spiral: Pregnancy

Age 19. I loved my child. Received Christian pastoral counseling. No help. I was separated from my husband, pregnant by another man, taken in by an adoption agency and emotionally abused by a "shepherding father" who felt I was a bad influence for his teen daughters. Guess he expected a nice, contrite, never been married, didn't work kind of girl who would be grateful (meaning obedient). Received yet more counseling with different counselor. I fled, keeping my baby.

Second turn of the spiral

Age 20. Divorced from first husband, remarried the day before the baby was born to another young man with no idea of what he was getting into. He said he loved me. I was desperate. Living back home with the schizophrenic mother and codependent father. Two weeks later, moved 150 miles to where my husband lived. My husband never really understood what he had on his hands. I called it alcoholism (wait, don't I need a drunk-a-log for that? But alcoholics are just like me, except I never drank).

Diagnosis: Borderline Personality Disorder

Third turn of the spiral

Age 23. I have no more parenting/mothering skills than my mother had. I live in a town where I know no one. I stay at home with the baby. And with the next one. I convince my husband to join the church of my childhood. My husband works full time, and the romantic idea of a wife and ready made family doesn't match the reality. Received marital counseling. No help.
Husband's diagnosis: Major Depressive Mood Disorder, Chronic.

Forth turn of the spiral

Age 24. Desperation. Received individual counseling. I call child protective services on myself out of fear. I have a infant and a toddler, I am exhausted, depressed, strangling on inner emptiness and still isolated. I hear the anger in my voice. No one should yell at a three-year-old like that. I hit his diapered bottom too many times. I love my children, why is this happening? My husband is at a loss and has no clue. I call child protective services on myself. Child protective services can't see a problem and send me shopping (with what money? I have none) to get me out of the house for a few hours. They determine there's no problem.

Diagnosis: Post Partum Depression; Major Depressive Disorder, Chronic; Borderline Personality Disorder.

Fifth turn of the spiral

Isolated. I don't fit the Tuesday morning Women's Bible Study Group. They are kind, but carefully distant - perhaps judgemental. The minister brought us into the church, and abandoned us after orientation classes (after I had been baptized for the forth time). No friends. No family. Out of desperation, I create MAJOR DRAMA. My husband is self-righteously hurt, and I feel guilty and justified in leaving my children in his care...in reality, I am fleeing because I fear I might harm them, might become an abuser, even as I was abused. I surrender my children because of something I haven't done. They were not abused. I feared only that I might.

Cultural detail: Even today billboards in this state proclaim: Spare the rod and spoil the child. No wonder the church/child protective services didn't really see a problem. Or understand my fear.

Continual turns of the spiral

Married four times, divorced three times, widowed once, one broken engagement

Intermittent counseling, some help

Got my GED and then went on to college and received my degree in Bachelor of Sciences, major: English
Continued on to Graduate School

Segues: Extreme Marital abuse (3rd and 4th husbands)

Turn of the spiral

Discover Goddess centered spirituality.
Break old patterns and old habits...
Receive spiritual counseling. Tremendous help.

Move again.
Age 40: Come Out as Lesbian.

Enter into life partnership/marriage with Cameron - a healthy, stable loving relationship.

Fabulous Therapist...amazing progress. Much healing.

Return to Graduate school for a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy.

Meaningful, powerful work as a Substance abuse counselor.

Diagnosis: Borderline Disorder burned out and passed, stabilizing, happy, strong - what diagnostic tools do we have for Mental Healthiness?

Turn of the spiral

Transformation: I know what I'm called to be: Lesbian, Priestess, Therapist

Today

I'm behind on supervision hours, as I was reminded in clinical evaluations yesterday. So Play Therapist Supervisor invited me to sit in her group supervision today. I didn't know until I arrived that the morning session had been devoted to completing the training of several play therapy supervisors and I was the Guinea Pig. She asks if I have a DVD of a play therapy session I have run.

Yes, I have a play therapy DVD. Yes, it's the one I turned in for my summer for class. Yes, I perceived it as the worst one I've ever recorded because I handled limit setting so badly.

Play Therapist Supervisor states it's nowhere as bad as I portray it. I don't believe her. She's just being nice, because she's like that, you know. So I play the DVD, proud that I'm calm while showing it to Play Therapist Supervisor, four licensed play therapists that are finishing certification this week for supervising, two Marriage and Family Therapy Interns, and one Marriage and Family Therapy student. And while I'm trying to tell them what I terrible job I've done, they are shaking their heads and offering amazing and insightful comments about how good it is. My supervisor says that I am one of her best student play therapists.

Then one of them offers a comment. He uses one of my favorite metaphors about time being a three dimensional spiral. As we circle around we reencounter old lessons, challenges ectera, but we encounter them at a new level and learn new things. He suggested maybe that's the process I was in while making the DVD and in how I perceive it. Then Play therapist Supervisor asks me: "Working from the framework as self-as-a-therapist, what old button does this video hit?"

In one blinding, clarifying moment I know why I have backed away from doing play therapy for the last three months. Because for one moment, for 1/10 of a second, I sounded like my mother as I struggled to lay down a boundary with a beautiful developmentally delayed three-year-old child. Before I got his name past my lips, I had heard my tone of voice and shifted. But all I remembered was that tone and the slump of his shoulders as I broke his trust with my "mom" voice. It had broken my heart. And although I caught it immediately, the limit then set appropriately, and reparation made, I carried that wound away with me. I clutched it to my heart, hidden and filled with pain. No true damage was done, yet my inner guilt from the past rose up to swallow me.

And in front of all those people, I looked at my supervisor, tears in my eyes, was handed a Kleenex, took a deep breath, asked for a moment, and told my story as briefly as possible. And I recognized that the past was blocking me with old pain and guilt. That I am actually good at child play therapy. That my peers think well of me and praise me. And that room full of therapists heard me, assured me, and offered this spiral of growth and healing.

The Vote of the Majority Cannot Determine the Rights of the Minority

Proposition 8 brought national attention to gay rights. Written to affirm that marriage could only occur between a man and woman, it stopped gays from marrying in California. The 1500 gay couples already married waited, again, in limbo until the state supreme court agreed to not take back the sanctity of their vows. The New York State Bar announced that marriage is the only way to equality (Storey). Furthermore, six states have passed legislation to recognize the union of gay people, yet the rest of the nation seems to continue with its bigotry. I remember standing at Gay Pride at Atlanta several years agon and watching a float that said TWENTY-FIVE YEARS ENGAGED, HOW MUCH LONGER MUST WE WAIT? Reams have been written about the rights given to heterosexual couples that are denied to homosexual couples, including tax breaks, inheritance, and joint ownership of property. But the problem is not limited just to marriage. Gay people’s rights have also been suppressed regarding service for our country, safety, and even in the definition of family. Until this nation recognizes the rights of gays across all platforms, we are allowing the opinions of the majority to legislate the rights of a minority.

While campaining, President Obama made a campaign promise to repeal the policy barring openly gay people from serving in the military. Despite his promise, it does not appear that Congress will ever send him a bill reversing the Defense of Marriage Act, which defines marriage as between a man and a woman. Unfortunately, our own president has not followed through on his promise to the minority. The current policy of “don’t ask, don’t tell” does not allow gay military personal to live anything but a celibate life requiring them to suppress their sexual orientation. Specifically, National Guard officer Dan Choi was the first New York National Gaurd member to be discharged for "homosexual conduct" (Kates). Certainly the injustice of such discrimination seems to go unnoticed and unheeded by our current administration. The Obama administration seems to fear embracing gay rights because they do want to provide social conservatives a rallying cry while the president is trying to assemble legislative coalitions on health care and other initiatives. Concerning gay's right to marry, Orange County newlyweds Arthur Smelt and Christopher Hammer are using President O'Bama's word's against him in their lawsuit. Based on the president's preinargual comments, their lawyer aruges that the administration is on "the wrong side of the case, in light of Obama's latest comments" (Egelko). Their attorney aruges that"I'm not sure who the attorneys for the United States are representing." So once again the appeal to the majority overrides the needs of the minority.

If our own president does not follow through with his promise to our serviceman, we certainly cannot expect our state legislatures to do any better. Indeed, our own state has failed to protect its gay citizens by refusing to enact hate crime legislation. When Sean Kennedy was murdered at a Greenville bar, the FBI could not classify his death as a hate crime (Smith). Consequently, his murderer served ten months in prison for manslaughter, despite the obvious bigotry of his actions. It is time for our state and country to recognize the danger of not protecting gays. Despite Elkie Kennedy's considerable work to bring the tragedy of her son's death before South Carolina's citizens, despite numerous newspaper articles regarding hate crime, and despite several bills brought before the South Carolina legislature, nothing has changed. We cannot even track the number of gay related hate crimes in our state because no legislation exists to recognize hate crimes. Furthermore, without that information, the FBI is also handicapped in compiling accurate statistics. Without hate crime laws, the FBI cannot even track deaths like Sean's. Moreover, without hate crime legislation, Stephen Moller plea bargained to involuntary man slaughter. Such horrible events clearly demonstrate the inability of our government to protect the safety of a minority.

There are also huge controversies surrounding gay families. Six states currently assume that gay parents are unfit to raise children. Often the heterosexual parent will appeal to the court for custody based on sexual orientation. In at least six states custody is automatically granted to the heterosexual parent and courts may inhibit the gay parent’s visitation rights (Kendall). In addition, without legislation, if a lesbian couple chooses to have a child, one bears the child but the other wants custody, without gay sensitive legislation, neither parent is protected. As more couples turn to invetro fertilization, legislation and courts will determine family relationships and rights. If one mommy birthed the child and other mommy caught her at birth, then both deserve to have their rights as parents recognized (Mrs. Kramer Vs. Mrs. Kramer). Without the benefit of marriage, gay parents are often ordered in court documents to never see their children in the presence of their live in partners (Gaines). Eleven states inplicitly or explicitly restrict gay couples from adopting children (Gandossy). Once again, we must recognize the rights of gays to determine the rights of the individual situation.

The civil rights movement of the sixties clearly demonstrated the struggle of a minority to gain their rights. More and more heterosexuals ally themselves with the gay rights movement as they come to understand that inhibiting the rights of a minority can ultimately inhibit the rights of all. Certainly, justice cannot be served when we rely upon the vote of the majority to give rights to the minority. It is time that our governments, federal state and local, recognize the needs of all its citizens. All citizens have a right to choose who they want to marry, to live in safety and to have their rights as parents recognized.




Works Cited
Egelko, Bob. "Gay couple's weapon in lawsuit: Obama's words." San Francisco Chronical. 23 Jun. 2009. Web. 9 Jun. 2009/

Gadossy, Judith. "Gay adoption: A new take on the American family." CNN.com. 27 Jun. 2007. Web. 9 Jul. 2009.

Gaines, Judith. "Recent hate crime reopens need for legislation." The Boston Globe. 14 Sep. 1993. Web. 9 Jul. 2009.

Kates, William. "Board: Discharge Gay NY National Guard Officer." San Francisco Chronical. 30 Jun. 2009. Web. 9 Jul. 2009.

Kendall, Kate. "Lesbian and Gay Parents in Child Custody and Visitation Disputes." Summer 2003. American Bar Association. Web. 7 Jul. 2009.

"Mrs. Kramer Vs. Mrs. Kramer." 15 Dec. 2008. Newsweek. Web. 7 Jul. 2009.

Smith, D. A. "Recent hate crime reopens need for legislation. " Charleston City Paper.18 Jul. 2007. Web. 8 Jul. 2009.

Storey, Jeffrey. "N.Y. State Bar 'Refines' Position on Same-Sex Couples, Says Marriage Is the Only Possible Path to Equality." New York Law Review. 24 Jun. 2009. Web. 9 Jul. 2009.